The last couple of months have been full of changes. My life has been whirling around so much I barely had a chance to get a grip. I have not been able to process things properly, as things happen one after another. I finally moved to my own apartment, but I havent finished setting it up. I got a second job, and I am 7 lbs heavier than I should. My plan was to make things easier for my program by being on my own, but it ended up working the otherway around. I am constantly stressed, have no time to cook/excersise and I am basically exhausted. I am also very depressed. I feel sad, hopeless, like I am exhausted. I feel like a person who is drowning on the sea and desperately kicks in orther to go up to the surface. That actually happened to me once, and its funny because I remember that whiole the wave was carrying me off, i kept telling myself to keep kicking, as if that was going to help me get out of there.
Well now I am doing it again. I go through life just kicking and getting by in whatever little air I can get myself into. I use it wisely tho. I am always looking for way that will help me hold on to the air longer. I was actually doing pretty well lately, had my group of girls and we were doing progress. I was even out dancing and partying and getting into the dating scene again. but it doesnt feel right. it dosnt feel true. At the end of the day I feel lonely, empty. Its like i dont belong. I cant find my place anywhere. I used to think thatmy true place was Mexico. Its my land, and there i would have freedom. freedom to succed, to travel, to love. I would not have to pretend anymore. But all that hope has disappeared. Mexico is a war zone, no longer free, no longer safe. Chris and Milly were my last hope, specially Chris, since I have known him all my life. But he is gone, for good, just like my dad, he disapeared taking my last hopes with him. I truly feel lost. I am slowly asfixiating. My only happiness is being able to help others, but I find it harder each time. I am so tired emotionally its hard to think abt solutions.
Sometimes I wish I had a bf that would confort me at night. That would hold me tight and held my hand as i walk thru all this, just like shawn did at some point. Someone i could trust. that he would stick by me no matter what. Man I miss that, I miss being my true self with someone. however, i find that almost impossible to happen. I feel that no matter how much i change my outside appearence, the inside is still ugly. its still sad, wet, empty. thats why its so easyto revert to ugly outside.how can i share that? i feel like the only result i would get is the same thing that happened with shawn. NOT pretty.
I am the best actress in the world, so i'll just keep kicking..maybe one day ill truly rise to the surface :)
